unrequited love

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From the pile of life confessions a little something so you all know you’re not alone:

“It was brought to my attention that it’s good to share your inner problems and emotions with other people, supposedly it helps to deal with them.

I’ve never been to keen on sharing my thoughts with even the one’s closest to me but when you reach a point where it is unbearable to keep something to yourself you consider your options. So I chose to share them (hypothetically) with millions of people who may or may not be reading this. I find it easier to speak of this among strangers who I’ll never meet, probably as a self-preservation technique so I won’t end up being emotionally naked.

We’ve all experienced it, the insufferable, heart-tearing feeling of unrequited love. Most people, when you say unrequited love, think of rejection or a breakup, but in my opinion it’s so much more complicated than that. The term itself is much more usable in various life situations. Unrequited love, along with the aforementioned examples, could also mean different  types of love disappointments. I believe that not being able to even acknowledge your love to someone can be even worse than being totally rejected and heart-broken. The constant what-ifs, and secret looks and that suffocating feeling inside your lungs like you just want to burst out the truth no matter what the consequences could be. That is undoubtedly worse than the fact you stand no chance with someone and you know it.

No woman has yet found the cure for this illness. People say: speak out, tell the truth openly, maybe it will all work out. But are we kidding ourselves or what? Of course everyone wants to express the love they feel, it’s in human nature to do so. But when it would be so easy…

What to do, what to do? I would lie in big bed all by myself and I wouldn’t sleep even a minute. The eyes, the hair, the voice, the smile, the laughter… So close, but yet so far.

You start to question your own mental health. Am I crazy? What the f*** happened to my rationality? How am I going to function  like this for I don’t know how long? And if you’re ambitious like me and have some others dreams in life you will probably turn to those. Studying, work, responsibilities…. Anything to get your mind off of him. But lets be honest, it is kind of impossible. He is already officially the first thing you think of in the morning, the last thing you wish for just before you fall asleep.

And ladies I really have no f***ing idea how to get rid of that annoying feeling of something always missing. Personally, I keep it a secret. I don’t tell my best friend, my family, I don’t even mention it in front of my dog in case he starts talking one day and tells on me. For me, it’s been a whole three years now, and you try to find someone as interesting to entertain your brain with, but it never really reaches the heart, doesn’t it?

You can forget for a second, but literally a simple hello brings you to the start of this hell-hole.

That old saying: “The heart wants what the heart wants.” , and even if I convinced my self over the years that I’m a damn good controller of my emotions, I’m kind of not.

People say I’m cold and distant, but I feel above average. I’ve just learned how to keep it hidden so I won’t end up being hurt, which I have been for the last I don’t know how long.”

R, xoxo

 

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